Showing Support to those in Grief

Hi all. I thought I would share with you some of the ideas and principles that I have learned as a Grief Recovery Specialist™ of what is and isn’t helpful to those who are grieving.

Let me preface this by saying that this is not a complete list and for some these suggestions will not hold true, you need to follow your gut on this. 

First and foremost, Do Not, I repeat, Do Not, tell someone what stage of grief they are in or even talk about it with others. Why? Because quite honestly the stages of grief have been misinterpreted and hijacked. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her findings as an explanation for the feelings of those individuals who were dying or diagnosed with a life ending illness. That is a very specific group.

Secondly, do not say you know how they feel. You don’t and neither do I. Why? Because everyone’s experiences are unique to them. Repeat after me, Everyone’s relationships with others are unique to them. For example, my mother died almost 4 years ago, and the grief I am and have experienced is very different from each of my siblings because we each had a different relationship with our Mom. So, although I can actively and most assuredly relate to their loss I am unable to know how they feel and vice versa. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, there are over 40 different events of grief. And as I wrote above, no two people are going to experience any of them the same way. So, do not compare grief. One may think, “I cannot show my grief over my divorce because my friend’s husband has died.” This is not accurate. Both of you are experiencing grief and it is wrong to compare the two. Comparative grief helps no one. 

What are some positive things you can do for someone who is grieving? Let me be clear, I am going to be specific here and just refer to the grief someone experiences after the death of a loved one. 

First, Be present and listen. Or, just sit with the person. Don’t ask what they need, because chances are they don’t know, especially when a grief is new. 

Talk about the person who has died. Many people have stated that just hearing stories about the person brings peace. They hear different aspects about their loved one and get to view them differently. How wonderful to learn new things about someone you loved!

Remember important days related to the deceased person, such as their birthdays or the date of their death, reach out to their loved one. Believe me, you are not going to remind them by reaching out, they already are thinking of the person. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation, for example simply “I remembered it was John’s Birthday and I was thinking of the time… (fill in story here), so I thought I would call and check in.”

The theme is connection. Grief is unique to each person but that doesn’t mean we need to go through it alone. 

If you are experiencing grief and do find yourself feeling isolated or lonely, please reach out to talk to a friend or family member, or find a therapist. You can also call the National Alliance on Mental Health (Nami's) hotline availabe 10am-10pmt (800) 950-6264. You can also contact NAMI by: Texting "helpline" to 62640. In addition, the national hotline for mental health support is 988 you can call or text. 

To learn more about the Grief Recovery Method® please set up a free 15 min consultation with me Here

Thank you and sending love and light your way,

Jan